Closing the Closet

I dream of a world where ‘coming out’ is an obsolete idea. Where people shouldn’t have to worry about being different. Where you can love whoever you want and be yourself.

Sadly, we don’t live in a world like that.

It’s how I spent nine years in the ‘closet’ – a dreadful term used to describe those who are gay, bi or trans, and not out.

When you’re closeted, you feel like the whole world is against you. You fear rejection and abandonment from those you love – your family, your friends and the people you see in your day to day life. It’s a fear you live with until you embrace who you are. You fear being assaulted or even killed on the street for simply holding hands or kissing your same-sex partner.

Even though the United Kingdom has full LGBT+ rights, and society is generally accepting, homophobia is still rife.

I spent my teenage years suppressing my sexuality. I am sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women – bisexual, to put a label on it. Every time I felt sexually attracted to a male, I shook it off, trying to convince myself that it was just a phase I was going through. I started hating myself for feeling the way I did, therefore impacting my mental health. I tried not showing it, not fully being myself.

I was never proud. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and I couldn’t tell my parents in fear of being treated differently. It is an awful struggle that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

On Good Friday, I took the chance. My mental health was deteriorating and I started having toxic thoughts. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore, so I told my family. Then eventually, everyone on Facebook.

I was terrified as soon as I clicked ‘Post’ and a dozen questions kept going through my head as I watched the comments roll in.

How were people going to react? 

Who would turn against me?

Would the people I love treat me differently now that I’m out? 

But fortunately, all of my fears were proven wrong. I received a phenomenal amount of support from everyone I love – my family, friends, colleagues and people I went to school with. I have been accepted by everyone in my life, and I am extremely lucky. Not many LGBT+ people receive that, so I counted my blessings.

This is what should happen. No one should ever fear about damaging their relationships because of who they are. It’s not something we choose, we’re born to be who we are. Yet society has historically conditioned us to feel ashamed.

If you don’t have to ‘come out’, consider yourself lucky.

It’s not as easy as you think.

My family and friends’ support means the world to me. 9 years ago, I would’ve never imagined receiving so much love after revealing who I am to the world. It was a foreign concept, but I know now that my fear clouded my judgement of the people around me.

No matter how bad life gets, or how much biphobia I encounter for the remainder of my adult life, I know I will never be alone. I have a lot of people on my side, and I am incredibly grateful for the acceptance and love I’ve gotten over the past couple of days.

I have closed that dreadful closet, and to all the LGBT+ teens who are frightened of coming out, please remember – you are not alone. Your sexuality does not define who you are.

For the first time in my life, I can say I am bisexual and be proud of it. And mean it. And for all the LGBT+ people reading this right now, I hope you can say the same too. You are valid. You are loved. You are you. Don’t forget that.






Broken at 22

One of the strongest people I know who I’m glad to say is one of my close friends. Keep being as fierce and sassy as you’ve ever been, Vicky. X

Trog's Blog

Being broken at 22 was something I never planned or thought, however did indeed happen.

In a place where I thought I was happy and successful. I started work at 18 at a local solicitors as an apprentice and was so proud of myself to be leaving school at 18 to finally be starting work. I was ecstatic and excited as well as nervous to be starting this new journey.

I started as a admin apprentice whereby I was in charge of all the normal admin duties of the office which I enjoyed and undertaking a qualification at Canterbury college to obtain a NVQ Level 2 in Administration.  Under the duration of a year, where I completed my last IT exams and finally became qualified I was taken on as a full time junior legal secretary.  Something I couldn’t believe I was saying… I’m a legal secretary! Something my mum…

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The Life of a Graduate

If you had told me my life would be so different after graduating from university, I wouldn’t have believed you.
For those who have followed my blog and read my ramblings and rants about student life over the past three years, you’ll be pleased to find out I graduated with a 2nd class BA (Hons) in Creative and Professional Writing back in September.

Me after the initial ceremony on the grounds of Canterbury Cathedral on 12th September 2017.

4 months later and it still feels surreal. Every late night, emotional breakdown and memory led to that moment. As I walked down the nave in Canterbury Cathedral after having shaken hands with the Chancellor, I knew that being thousands of pounds in debt was worth it after having acquired a degree. It was one of the proudest and most exhilarating days of my life!

So, what’s next for me?

To be honest, I don’t know. Since finishing uni, I’ve found myself living in the ‘now’ rather than worrying too much about what to do with my degree. I have it all planned out, so why stress over something that I know I will eventually achieve?

I have become more confident, independent and adventurous. I know that. I travelled to Paris with my now ex-girlfriend two months after graduation and it was honestly the best week of 2017. Now, I’m going to Dublin by myself in exactly two weeks – one of the biggest challenges I will face after an extensive history of low self-esteem.

I’m even considering backpacking across the US and Canada for a while as early as next year! I might need to start buying lottery tickets to be able to afford the fees, though… I’m still working on that.

I have also started looking at jobs and internships in journalism and publishing, and even though it is highly likely I will be waking up at 5:30am to catch a train to London every day, I know I would’ve made it.

Graduate life isn’t what I expected it to be – I miss the familiarity of being in an academic environment, but at the same time, I’m ready to make a name for myself in an industry I’ve been dreaming of joining for a long time. My life has changed in ways I never imagined – but I’m glad for all the lessons and experiences university has given to me. I am more than ready to prosper in what I love doing, and overall, as a person.

To my fellow graduates of the Class of 2017, congratulations. Let’s go and change the world. We are the future.

The Woes of Turning 21

When you’re young, birthdays seemed like the most exciting days of the year alongside Halloween and Christmas. Cards, presents, money and cake – a kid’s version of heaven. Even your parents hiring an inflatable bouncy castle and inviting all your classmates round for a party seemed like the most amazing thing!

Once you reach your adolescent years, the excitement dies down a little as you realise that you’re just getting another year older. We’ll all feel it at some point.

In my case, it’s turning 21.

If you were living in the United States, turning 21 would be exciting because you’d finally be able to legally drink alcohol. So why do we celebrate it so much in the United Kingdom when our legal drinking age is 18?

Truth of the matter is, no one knows. Is it because it’s the last ‘milestone’ birthday until you’re 30? Probably, but who actually knows?!

I’m turning 21 years old on Thursday, 29th June. I’m not thoroughly excited about it, but regardless, I’m celebrating it. After all, you’re not too old to celebrate your own day of birth, right? I hope not. I’m going bowling with my family and my girlfriend on the actual day after work, and we’ve even booked the VIP section. Fancy! The following Saturday, I’m going on a night out with friends to celebrate (as well as celebrating my degree results on Tuesday… hopefully.)

I’m not particularly looking forward to the embarrassing photos and videos being posted on Facebook by my family members, in all honesty. I have far too many ‘durr’ moments and I’d rather they weren’t shared publicly to the entirety of my friends list, but that’s what families are for after all. Nor am I looking forward to schedule my own appointments and become an ‘adult’ adult (thank you, mum, for your never-ending sacrifice in having to book my appointments. It will be truly missed.)

I’m getting old. What’s the betting that I’ll look in the mirror and find a receding hairline developing and thin, grey hairs? It’s tempting to dye my own hair right now. The thought makes me crease every time it creeps into my mind, even if I am still a young lad.

I have a love-hate relationship with my birthdays. It’s nice to have some fun and make memories, but at the same time, I don’t want to be reminded that I am getting older by the minute.

How do I spend my last days of being 20? I don’t know, and I hate to think about it, but life goes on. Here’s to my second year of the twenties, I guess?




A Guide on How to Survive University

Hi, it’s me again! Long time, no see.

Since I last updated this blog, I had just finished my second term of university. After weeks of stress and sleepless nights, I can happily say that I have submitted my dissertation.

It still feels weird to call myself a ‘graduate-in-waiting.’ It hasn’t sunk in that I will be graduating in four months and two days (yes, my graduation date was finally confirmed! 12th September 2017!) because I never thought I’d get to this point. It really does show that hard work pays off, doesn’t it?

Anyway, not to derive from the subject of this post too much, here’s a little handy tips from myself on how to survive three (or four) years of university:

  1. Don’t leave your coursework until the last minute – For the love of Britain, do not procrastinate too much. During my three years, I caused myself one too many heart palpitations as I rushed to get them done. Don’t be like me and make the same mistake!
  2. Go on as many night outs as you can – Now, I’m not saying go on the ‘sesh’ every single night. But definitely take advantage of night outs. I only went on two during my time as a student (thanks, commuting!) and I regret it so much! You’re only young once, have fun!
  3. Always have your USB stick at all times – I’ve done the silly thing where I’ve unintentionally left my USB stick at home plenty of times. It doesn’t go down well when you have assignment deadlines looming closer and you forget it when you take a trip to the library.
  4. Definitely make friends – Says it all. I’m happy with the friends I’ve made on my course and I hope we’ll still be friends soon after we all graduate! They know who they are.
  5. Grades aren’t everything – You might be thinking, “what’s he on about? Grades are extremely important!” No. I’m not saying they’re not important, and it’s something that should be prioritised, but don’t burn out all of your energy fretting over getting that 1st. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get what you wanted!
  6. Make every opportunity count – University is a time for personal growth. Before I started my degree, I never thought I would be published! Whatever opportunities you are offered, take them on board and let yourself thrive.
  7. Don’t worry about tuition fees – Honestly, they’re nothing to be too concerned about. You don’t start paying them until you’re earning over a certain amount on an annual income basis, and even after 30 years, they’re written off if they haven’t been fully paid.
  8. You will most definitely hate referencing – One of my least favourite things about university? Referencing. You will abhor it by the time you reach your second year. Be cautious.
  9. You will be a different person – University changes everyone, no matter how extroverted or introverted you are. I’ve definitely changed a lot compared to who I used to be prior to starting my course. For better, or for worse? That’s up to you to decide.
  10. It will be hard, but it will be worth it in the long run – No matter how stressful it gets, it will be worth it when you officially receive your degree on stage at your graduation.


Even though I haven’t received my final results, I look forward to what my degree will bring. I have never ever regretted going to university.

On that note, I wish you the best of luck with your exams and your assignments! You can do it!


The London Book Fair

On Tuesday 14th March, 2017, I was fortunate enough to go to the London Book Fair.

My experience was incredibly interesting and I enjoyed every minute of it! So, as per,

Being a B.A. Creative and Professional Writing student, I aspire to get into the publishing industry. Whether as a writer, editor or sales assistant – who knows? I’m just fascinated by the whole process of publishing books.

However, this was my last week of lectures and I knew an opportunity like this would most likely never come up again, so I decided to go.

After arriving at London Victoria nearly two hours before I was due to meet my lecturer and my classmates, I decided to kill time by visiting the City of Westminster. Seeing the Houses of Parliament, Big Ben and the Eye once again reminded me of how much I love this city.

After two Tube journeys and a bus journey, I finally arrived at Olympia London 10 minutes before we were due to meet. After mistakenly thinking I was outside the main entrance, I was informed by my lecturer (thanks, Emily!) that the main entrance was, in fact, opposite the train station. Can you tell I had never been to this area of London before?

Once I entered the venue, it was huge. At least hundreds of publishing houses from around the world had arrived at this fair. You could see authors making deals with publishers and agents. It was overwhelming. As me, my lecturer and one of my classmates tried to find a seat, we ran into Sam Missingham. She works for HarperCollins, and it was an interesting chat about what we wanted to do in the industry. She gave us a few tips which will come in handy! It was inspiring to meet someone in such a popular company who was enthusiastic, passionate and energetic about what they do!

After 10 minutes of scurrying around the place, we eventually found a table and discussed what stalls or talks we were going to attend. We were joined by the others, and after a quick tea and coffee break, we went to all the different various publishing houses including Bloomsbury, Gardners (a book wholesaler company), Penguin Random House and Nosy Crow. The representatives were generous enough to spare a few minutes of their time to talk to us about all the different aspects of publishing, and I was even more impressed. They gave us a few pointers on where to start, who to go to, and what to do to ensure that we start a career in publishing if we so wished.

I won’t go into detail about every piece of advice we received from these successful people, but I absolutely cherished every single moment of my time there, and I couldn’t be more grateful to our lecturer for making it happen! Thanks to the LBF, I am adamant that I want to pursue a career in this profession and it motivated me to finish my assignments and graduate. Will it be a challenge? Yes. But I’m willing to put in all the hard work to get to where I want to be, and I’m so excited to join such an amazing community.


The End of a Canterbury Tale

In September 2014, I travelled to Canterbury to enroll as an undergraduate student. Naturally, I was terrified. I was about to start in a new academic environment and I had no idea what to expect.

Would I make friends?

Will I succeed?

Did I make the right choice?

These questions were constantly going round in my head, and unbeknown to me at the time, I couldn’t have been more stupid and paranoid to worry about such things.

Here I am, in March 2017, six months away from finally graduating with a B.A. Hons degree in Creative and Professional Writing, after the most challenging and stressful, but amazing, three years of my life so far. Has it been easy? No. But since when has university ever been easy for anyone?

Over the past three years, I’ve changed a lot. I’ve grown in a way that I never would’ve expected to happen whilst I was at school. I’ve become more outgoing, social, honest and confident as well as another host of things that I never thought I’d overcome. I’ve embraced my flaws and stepped out of my comfort zone, trying new things and grabbing opportunities instead of waiting for them to happen. I have truly lived during my time at university.

As sentimental as I can be, I’m going to miss everything about university when I leave. The campus, the people, the memories… all of it. As I prepare myself for the working world, I can’t help but wonder if my life would’ve been the same if I hadn’t decided to sign up to UCAS in sixth form. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m going to miss the assignments. The theory? Maybe less, but I’m definitely going to miss the creative stuff which will be in my portfolio for future employers to look at.

Also, I’m going to miss my small group of friends who have literally made my life at uni so funny and great. I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye and go my own way, but I’m hoping we will remain friends for a long time after graduation. I couldn’t thank them enough for being a part of my life and I wish them every single bit of success in the future.

The assignments might be stressful, but when I stand up on that platform in September, the effort and sleepless nights will be worth it all. I’m not ready for my time at Canterbury Christ Church University to be over, but I’m excited about what the future brings.

Let’s do this, Class of 2017. Let’s make our final months as students worth the hard work. Let’s get those 1st and 2:1 class honours with integrity and pride. We are the future.

As a chapter ends, another one begins. It is the end of my own Canterbury Tale.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Hello everyone!


I’m sorry for the lack of activity since September. I’ve been too preoccupied with work and university that I completely forgot about this blog. There will be more posts in 2017. I promise!

Even though it was 2 days ago, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas! I hope you had a fantastic day with your families. I certainly did! Whilst it is exciting to receive gifts, it’s equally exciting to give to your loved ones and see their faces light up as they unwrap their presents. I was fortunate enough to buy more than a box of chocolates for my parents and siblings this year (thank you, employment!)

absolutely loved the dinner too! What can beat a lovely Christmas dinner? Especially pigs in blankets, and pulling Christmas crackers and jumping out of your skin as it goes bang.

If you don’t celebrate Christmas or celebrate something else instead, I would like to extend my hand in wishing you Happy Holidays. There’s a lot of backlash about this phrase right now, but I still mean it in goodwill, and I hope you still had a great day. You also deserve a break from your everyday life.

On that note, I will leave you with this one message:

Happy New Year! May your 2017 be filled with good health, happiness and optimism.


“What Do You Want To Do After You Graduate?”

“What do I want to do after I graduate?”

It’s a question every uni student will struggle to answer during their studies. Will my career choice change when I’ve received my degree? Will I regret taking my course? Should I pursue a postgraduate course, or just go straight into employment? These questions are enough to make you want to pull your hair out or slam your head into a wall.

When a friend or family member asks what you want to do after your graduation, it can feel like you’re being asked if you had committed a crime. You just don’t know how to answer without appearing lazy or unproductive. Say you come out with a 1st class in BSc Psychology, and you no longer want to be a psychologist, but you want to be a film director. How do you go about saying it?

Oh, I don’t want to be a psychologist anymore because I have an interest in producing films. Sorry!” will just not make the cut. It can be daunting. It doesn’t help when because you go to university, you’re expected to know what you want to do right away.

For example, I plan on getting an internship or part-time job, travelling across Europe and being a freelance writer. Will it happen? Who knows. It might happen, but it might not. Realistically, I could be working at the local supermarket and not travelling through the extravagant Spanish beaches or hiking through the Alps.

It’s okay to not know what you want to do. There’s plenty of time to figure yourself out, even if it doesn’t feel like it. That’s the interesting thing about life; it doesn’t often go the way you wanted to, but sometimes, it happens for a reason.

So, don’t fret about it too much. And if it doesn’t happen, it’s not the end of the world. It just means your life went in another direction, and that’s fine.

Third Year Fears

In September, I will be in what is arguably the most important year of an undergrad’s life.

Third Year.

I’m terrified. Not because of the tremendous amount of work I’ll have to endure for hours in the library, or the dread and fear about my dissertation (which, admittedly, I haven’t made a start on planning in the two months of summer I’ve already had), or the fact that it’ll mean less free time to myself as I’ll be too busy preparing and writing assignments until they’re due until my fingers become numb from all the typing I’ll do.

No, it’s because I only have a year until I finish education for good. You submit your dissertation for marking, and then it will be graduation a few months later. It will mean the endless stress of trying to find a relevant topic to write about for your paper. It will mean living the student life as much as you can because your days as an undergraduate student will be numbered. It will mean working harder to achieve greater grades to ensure you get a satisfactory result at the end of your degree. It means graduation being your last chance to say goodbye to your friends as you eventually part ways and follow your own path in life.

However, I’m determined to make it the best. I want to go out clubbing. I want to meet new people. I want to take up more opportunities, and I want to live a little unlike 1st and 2nd year. Honestly, I just want to leave university on a high note. University means hard work, but who’s to say you can’t have fun, especially during the hardest year?

University has been one of the best experiences of my life, and I don’t have a single regret in my body about going. I’m feeling slightly confident about 3rd year to better myself as a student and as a person. My time will be too short to leave my assignments until the last minute. I need to start improving my spelling, punctuation and grammar so as to hone my essay writing skills for the critical essays I’ll have to write.

I want to be satisfied with my last year of education. I don’t want to be one of those university students who leave with a 3rd and hope for the best. I’m not freaking out. But I have fears; what if I don’t do well? What if I don’t get to graduate? What if my degree gets me nowhere in my life, no matter the result?

But also, there’s no time and place for negativity at such an important time in my life. Focus is key. I’m determined to put it to use.

So, what do I need to tell myself? Keep calm and keep your eye on the prize. Because on graduation day, I want to have a smile on my face, knowing that I made it out alive and the world will be my oyster.